Why Autistic and ADHD People Are So Often Labelled “Manipulative”

 

Why Autistic and ADHD People Are So Often Labelled “Manipulative”

The word manipulative carries a heavy weight. It suggests that someone is scheming, dishonest, or deliberately playing with others’ emotions to get their way. But for many autistic and ADHD people, this label is not only unfair — it’s harmful.

What often looks like manipulation is, in fact, something very different: an attempt to cope, to feel safe, or to get needs met when direct communication feels impossible.

What Looks Like Manipulation Is Often Survival

1. The Teenager Who Needs Friends to Call for Her

A teenager panics when walking outside alone. She arranges for her friends to call for her every morning, and if they say no, she might guilt-trip them into changing their minds. From the outside, this may appear to be manipulation. But the reality is that she feels unsafe and experiences intense anxiety when on her own. This is not game-playing, it’s survival.

2. The Child Who Bargains at Bedtime

A child constantly asks for “one more drink” or “just five more minutes” at bedtime. Parents may call this manipulative behaviour. But often, the child is experiencing anxiety, separation struggles, or sensory issues that make settling difficult. Their behaviour is communication: “I don’t feel safe yet.”

3. The Teen Who Pretends to Be Sick Before Exams

A teenager repeatedly says they feel ill on exam day. Teachers may think they are trying to manipulate their way out of responsibility. In truth, this behaviour is often driven by extreme exam anxiety, ADHD-related overwhelm, or a fear of failure. Claiming to be unwell is their way of escaping something that feels unbearable.

4. The Adult Who “Avoids Responsibility” at Work

An autistic adult avoids answering phones at work and tries to pass the calls to colleagues. Co-workers may describe this as manipulative, but the truth is that phone calls can trigger panic, processing issues, or sensory overload. Their behaviour is not laziness or deceit — it’s a way of protecting themselves from distress.

Reframing the Word Manipulative

Instead of assuming bad intent, we should reframe what’s happening:

Adaptive – finding ways to manage in a world that often feels unsafe.

Communicative – expressing needs in the only way available at the time.

Protective – avoiding shame, rejection, or emotional pain.

The Takeaway

When we label autistic or ADHD people as manipulative, we miss the truth:

What’s called manipulation is often just someone trying to get their needs met in the only way they know how.