When Alexithymia and Interoception Differences Look Like Narcissism
"I tell him I’m upset, and he just sits there. No hug, no words, nothing. It feels like he doesn’t care at all."
This is something I hear often. One partner is desperate for comfort, while the other seems distant, unresponsive, or even cold. From the outside, it looks like narcissism. But often, the reality is very different.
What we’re really seeing is a mix of alexithymia and interoception differences, and together, they can make a caring partner appear narcissistic when they’re not.
What is Alexithymia?
Alexithymia means having difficulty recognising, describing, or expressing emotions. Someone may feel “off,” “tense,” or “strange,” but not be able to put words to it, like sadness, anger, or anxiety.
It’s not a lack of feelings. The emotions are there. The struggle is in noticing and naming them.
What is Interoception?
Interoception is our internal sense, the awareness of signals inside our body. It tells us when we’re hungry, thirsty, in pain, or when our heart is racing.
For most people, interoception also works as an emotional translator:
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A racing heart → anxiety
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Butterflies in the stomach → excitement
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A heavy chest → sadness
If someone has reduced interoceptive awareness, they may still feel the physical signals but can’t connect them to emotions.
How They Link
Alexithymia and interoception difficulties go hand in hand. If you can’t read your body’s signals clearly, you can’t easily translate them into emotions.
That’s why many people with alexithymia also struggle with interoception — they don’t know what they’re feeling inside, so they can’t explain it on the outside.
Why It Looks Like Narcissism
Here’s where the misunderstanding begins.
| Situation | Partner with Alexithymia & Interoception Differences | How it Appears to Others |
|---|---|---|
| You cry in front of them | They freeze, unsure what to do | Cold, uncaring, self-absorbed |
| You ask “Do you love me?” | They feel love but can’t put it into words | Distant, avoidant, unloving |
| During conflict | They withdraw or offer practical solutions | Detached, arrogant, selfish |
| You share emotions | They stay quiet, not knowing what to say | Narcissistic, dismissive |
The partner may genuinely care deeply, but their brain doesn’t give them the tools to show it. From the outside, this looks like narcissism.
The Real Difference
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Narcissism is a personality pattern where someone chooses to dismiss, manipulate, or exploit others.
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Alexithymia with interoception differences is a processing difference, the feelings are there, but the person struggles to notice, label, or express them.
The outcome may look the same, but the intention is completely different.
Why This Matters
Mislabeling someone as narcissistic when they are actually alexithymic can be devastating. Relationships can break down, not because of a lack of love, but because of misunderstanding.
With awareness, couples can begin to reframe things:
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Recognising that silence doesn’t always mean indifference.
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Accepting love can be shown in non-verbal, practical ways.
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Using tools like emotion charts or direct questions to bridge the gap.
Final Thoughts
When alexithymia and interoception differences are present, love doesn’t always sound like words or look like emotional displays. Sometimes it looks quieter, more practical, less obvious.
If you’ve ever felt your partner is emotionally distant, it may not be narcissism at all. It may be that they’re experiencing their emotions differently, and struggling to express them.
Understanding this difference can change everything: from frustration to compassion, from distance to connection, and from broken relationships to stronger ones built on real understanding.
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